Only a month later I was holding that letter in my hands, grieving the loss of our baby.
I didn’t know what to do with the letter. It didn’t feel right to keep it for the next time….to be honest I doubted there would be a ‘next time’.
When we found out we were pregnant with Isaiah I was so excited, and then instantly nervous, then upset that I was nervous instead of excited…..and then nervously excited… there were a lot of emotions going on. I was pregnant after all…
Here are some of the things I experienced:
Instead of being excited to tell our families I was fearful.
The first time we told our parents we were pregnant we were full of excitement, trying to find the perfect time and way of giving them the great news. Having to tell those same excited parents that we had had a miscarriage was heartbreaking.
In a way I had felt like I had let the whole team down. I didn’t want to tell them too early the next time because I didn’t want to have to break their hearts again if things didn’t end well, yet again.
I was constantly waiting for the penny to drop.
Every trip to the loo was a fearful check for blood. Every ache and pain in the first trimester was quickly researched on line.
The first ultrasound was the scariest day of my pregnancy.
All I wanted was to hear that heartbeat. It took that first dating scan to start to feel like giving birth to a healthy baby was a possibility.
It took discipline every single day, sometimes every hour, to trust in God and to not allow anxiety to live in my heart.
It took effort to focus on things other than being pregnant; but an important thing for me to do so that worry didn’t consume me.
If you’re pregnant after suffering loss then I feel ya. You’ve probably read this list and thought of a bunch of other things you would add. In fact, can I encourage you to post them in the comment section!
This experience is so unique and there is no wrong or right way to feel about being pregnant again.
Here are three things to encourage you:
- When our baby was born I instantly loved him more than I could imagine.
- The most important thing is to enjoy this baby. Talk to your little jellybean growing inside of you. Love every little movement, every kick and every hiccup you feel.
- Allow yourself to go through the different emotions during your pregnancy. It’s ok to feel sad, to feel concerned or feel happy. Try to move through any negative emotions rather than living in a negative place. It’s important to try to work towards feeling positive about the pregnancy.
Live in hope, live in excitement. You’ve been blessed with this little life; and no matter what happens, this is still your baby, this is still beautiful life created by our Maker, gifted to you.