Pastor Phil Ayres from Kingdomcity joins Mel and Jeziel in the studio to share wisdom on marriage and relationships. Phil has a passion for growing strong families and is a goldmine of knowledge and advice. Phil says his passion stems from enduring many difficult years of marriage. After weathering the storm, his marriage is now stronger than ever, and he loves to share his expertise on marriage and friendship.
This session Ps Phil looked at the level of expectation we have towards our marriage, our spouse and the other people in our life. We honed in on whether our expectations are unhealthy or destructive.
Why are your expectations important?
Expectations are connected to our belief systems. If we base our marriage on the wrong belief system, then our expectations will be healthy and unrealistic.
“Many marriages end in disillusionment or, even worse, divorce because the parties involved enter the relationship with unrealistic expectations, not because they are evil or even irresponsible. Each expects the other to meet his or her deepest needs. When they realize this is not happening, the real trouble begins. Whenever a Christian does not allow God to meet his or her deepest needs, that person automatically transfers the expectation for fulfillment to the closest person or resource, the one in whom the most hope has been placed. For most people, that person is a spouse.” – Jimmy Evans, Marriage on the Rock
When the expectation of having deep needs met is transferred to anyone or anything other than God, three main problems are created:
You’ll Never be satisfied
You always will be disappointed with the results, no matter how well things go.
There will be emptiness
You will lack the inner resources you need to love others the way you should and to confront life successfully.
You almost always will be hurt and offended eventually by the one in whom you invested all your trust because that one cannot possibly meet your deepest needs.
What are our deepest needs?
It’s a bit subjective, this has been answered by different people with different views throughout history. Karl Marx said it’s economic equality, Sigmind Freud said it’s pleasure and Alfred Adler said it’s power.
But throughout the bible, there are 4 needs that are highlighted as the deepest: identity, significance, connection and purpose. And God meets each one.
The anchor point of our identity is that we’re each a child of God. (Romans 8:15 NLT)
We are his workmanship. A little masterpiece, beautiful and seen with intrinsic value through His eyes. (Ephesians 2:10 NKJV)
It’s possible to be in a crowd and feel totally isolated, it’s possible to be in a marriage and feel lonely. In John 15:1 the example of the vine and branches is used. We’re connected to Him to eternal supply.
He gives us purpose, which gives us the confidence to run the race of life, to go full-on forward. (1 Corinthians 9:26 NLT)
What do I do if I find myself unhappy with my marriage?
There are 4 questions you can ask yourself.
- Can I identify the primary issue?
- Is the issue in me, or is it with us?
- Have I turned my spouse/marriage into an idol, expecting it to meet my deepest need?
- What is the best response to address the issue?