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Pastor Phil Ayres from Kingdomcity joins Mel and Jeziel in the studio to share wisdom on marriage and relationships. Phil has a passion for growing strong families, and is a goldmine of knowledge and advice. Phil says his passion stems from enduring many difficult years of marriage. After weathering the storm, his marriage is now stronger than ever, and he loves to share his expertise on marriage, families and behaviour.


Sometimes in relationships, there are certain patterns of behaviour that draw us apart. This week our focus is on possessions. People sometimes ask “How do people who fall in love and make a genuine commitment to each other wind up completely disconnected with nothing left to give?”

The trick is to set a good foundation and plan from the start. You get married and you’re madly in love, but if you don’t identify what you’re going to build you life around, things can go south. A passionate first attraction must build on other things to be sustained. A couple must centre their focus on their relationship rather than resources.

What’s the problem with wanting to build wealth for your family?

Modern materialistic culture encourages us to use people and love things, but biblical culture is a direct opposite. We must USE things and LOVE people. The trouble with wanting to build wealth is that while it’s well intentioned, it’s too easy to fall into greed and sacrifice your relationship in order to obtain wealth.

From Proverbs 15:16 NIV

Better is a little with the fear of the lord, than great treasure with trouble

Proverbs 21:9 MSG

Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse

1 Timothy 6:6 NKJV

Now Godliness with contentment is great gain

Ecclesiastes 5:20b MSG

We should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it. Accepting what’s given and delighting in the work. It’s God’s gift! God deals out joy in the PRESENT, the NOW. It’s useless to brood over how long we might live for.

What behaviour is there to watch out for that shows our relationship drifting apart?

There’s certain telling indicators that can give it away for both husbands and wives. For men, it’s being a rester. That’s guys who come home and switch off mentally. It could be TV, movies, having a long nap, spending too much time on insular hobbies, or the all too common video games. While it would be unfair to say you can’t spend any time to yourself, it’s important to remember intentionally engage in emotional communication and interest in your spouse.

Ephesians 5:25 MSG

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives… A love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her

Ladies, the classic symptom to look out for is becoming a nester. This is the other extreme. Her world is a constant place of housework. Organising the kids, arranging new decor, and getting lost in a world made only of your house. A good way to escape this is something Ps Phil and his wife implemented: couch time.

We would get the kids to play quietly with their blocks in the open area, while we sat on the lounge with a coffee, talking. The children understood they needed to be quiet and let mum and dad have their time

This and other opportunities for one on one quality time can undo a lot of the damage done by nesting and resting.

For all of these great tips and more, check out the podcast below:

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