Pastor Phil Ayres from Kingdomcity joins Jeziel in the studio to share wisdom on marriage and relationships. Phil has a passion for growing strong families, and is a goldmine of knowledge and advice. Phil says his passion stems from enduring many difficult years of marriage. After weathering the storm, his marriage is now stronger than ever, and he loves to share his expertise on marriage, relationships, and love.
This week Pastor Phil answered your burning questions. Here’s what they were:
Related to last week’s discussion about ledgers. What happens when one is a taker who keeps on taking, while the other is trying so hard to not live with a ledger?
The first thing to do is ask yourself some questions. Firstly, does my spouse understand my needs? Are they aware of what I expect, and have I communicated that well enough to them? Secondly, ask whether unresolved hurt has impacted the way you’re seeing your spouse. Seeing them as a “taker” may not be the reality, it may be a view of yours that is influenced by previous hurt.
So, some steps to take are: set a time to communicate clearly each others needs and expectations. Next, make sure you’re clearly communicating in general. Thirdly, if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to seek help. Whether it’s counselling or mediation, sometimes it just needs an outside eye to clear things up.
You’ve mentioned loving unconditionally. I understand the concept, but does it come into play in dire circumstances, such as adultery or abuse?
To know the answer to this, first you must clarify the question: can I build a relationship with someone who is adulterous or abusive? The answer is no. If you’re in an unsafe or destructive environment, a relationship will not grow. Trust is the framework on which all relationships grow, and a situation like this destroys trust.
Unconditional love itself is a posture of the heart. It’s the concept of accepting the difference and working with the difference in your spouse. But it’s not a reason to live in an adulterous or abusive relationship.
When it comes to adultery, there’s a difference in lifestyle between an adulterer and someone who has a one off affair. Openly engaging in an adulterous lifestyle involves no desire to build a relationship with a spouse. If someone has gone too far, but wants in their heart to build or rebuild a relationship with their spouse, we should have a willingness to forgive and work through these situations.
My spouse doesn’t understand, and doesn’t try to understand me because we’re so different. Should I be looking for someone more compatible?
Ps Phil says firstly, you can’t work on Plan A and Plan B at the same time. Plan A being the current spouse, and Plan B being a potential alternative. You’ve got to give yourself fully to one. However, that’s not to say hope is lost in this situation. Differences in a relationship can build strength. The starting point, though, is giving value to your differences. Here’s some questions to ask:
- What is it that shuts down my spouse and makes them unwilling to discuss our differences? Is there another issue?
- How can I create a positive conversation to explore our differences?
- Is my language safe enough to support my desire? Is the way I’m speaking to my spouse inspiring them to co-ordinate on this?
Is it possible to fall in love again after feeling like you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse?
This one is simple, it’s a big YES. It happens more than you think, but it’s 100% possible.
If you’d like to ask Pastor Phil and anonymous question, you can leave it here – just look for the box on the right handside of the page.