Hitched with Ps Phil Ayres: Layers of Love

Tuesday, October 15, 2019 5:40 pm
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Pastor Phil Ayres from Kingdomcity joins Mel and Jeziel in the studio to share wisdom on marriage and relationships. Phil has a passion for growing strong families, and is a goldmine of knowledge and advice. Phil says his passion stems from enduring many difficult years of marriage. After weathering the storm, his marriage is now stronger than ever, and he loves to share his expertise on marriage, families and layers of love.


This week the focus was all about what it means to love our spouse. There are many different layers of love present in a successful marriage, and continuing to grow in love means more than functioning at one level. As Matthew 6:19-21 says:

“Don’t hoard treasure down where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust, or worse, stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moths and rust and burglars. It’s obvious isn’t it? the place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.”

After all, love isn’t one dimensional. It’s a 3D thing that doesn’t have a “one size fits all”. Ps Phil likes to use to wheelbarrow analogy:

A wheelbarrow has three entities; the handles, the tray, and the wheel. They’re three separate things, but they each need to function together in order for the wheelbarrow to work.

So what are the three layers of love?

  1. Sexual love. The physical attraction and desire
  2. Friendship love. Fond thoughts for the person, and a desire to communicate
  3. Sacrificial love. Commitment, loyalty and honour.

So let’s break those layers down a little more…

Sexual love, aka eros, attraction or desire:

This is the bonding agent that helps to imprint the person deeply into your heart. It helps keep the bonding of a couple high. It need to be maintained and attended to regularly, and it should be nurtured. Make sure to keep the spice in the relationship. So what about couples with no spice left in the rack? Well, the first step is to choose to make it your treasure again. Then, remove every obstacle between you and the treasure. finally, find your groove. Your choice will change your heart. Unfortunately, in the modern day, our time is divided by too many things, and it can hinder a relationship. Try to manage the number of things in your life that are robbing your time, and if necessary, schedule in some intimacy! Book it as a priority appointment.

Friendship love:

Friendship is the basis of every great relationship. Think about a good friend. You talk a lot, you laugh a lot and you hang out a lot. Ideally, your relationship should be just like that, and most do start out that way. But over time, you begin to take on a critical spirit. You will see your partner’s imperfections, and this will ruin the friendship. The secret is this: if you look for honour and good in your spouse, two things will happen. You’ll see more, and you’ll get more. From Proverbs 18:20 NKJV:

“A man’s stomach shall be satisfied from the fruit of his mouth; from the produce of his lips he shall be filled”

Sacrificial love:

This is perhaps them most important. Enduring love takes a deep, deep commitment to one another. Sacrificial love is the choice to love in spite of not feeling the benefit of the actions. It’s moving fromĀ  transactional to transformational. At the end of the day, we need God’s help, our human nature is generally self focused and self preserving. We are happy to love as long as we are being loved. Sacrificial love is the love that comes from God.

For all of Pastor Phil’s great advice and more, check out the podcast below:



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