Pastor Phil Ayres from Kingdomcity joins Jeziel in the studio to share wisdom on marriage and relationships. Phil has a passion for growing strong families, and is a goldmine of knowledge and advice. Phil says his passion stems from enduring many difficult years of marriage. After weathering the storm, his marriage is now stronger than ever, and he loves to share his expertise on marriage, relationships, and anger.
- We’re feeling controlled
- We have insecurities or vulnerabilities
- We’re feeling afraid or unsafe
- There are needs we have that aren’t being met
Each of these are related to a fear of perceived loss. A loss of freedom, a loss of security and so on.
So what might trigger these feelings?
It can be nearly anything. Road rage or bad driving is common. Or perhaps at home a certain member of the family leaves the toilet seat up.
So what about these filters?
We all see everything the same, but we filter it differently, which causes us to have different responses. If we take it back to the road rage analogy, we can look at it this way. If someone cuts you off while driving, you can look at it one of three ways:
- The compassionate way. Perhaps they had a bad day at work, or were distracted by an important thought.
- Competitive view. How dare they get in front of you! That was your spot!
- Incompetent view. How on earth did they get their license?
So are you saying that even though the same thing is happening to different people, reality is different?
In short, yes. What we end up seeing is a combination of facts and filters. Facts are what our eyes see, and filters are how we interpret the facts. So our filters are like glasses that we wear to see the facts. When things happen, we use a filter that makes conclusions and evaluations about what happened. We don’t see events, we see what we think of the events. As Charles Swindoll says:
Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we respond to it.
So how do we keep these filters in check?
Just like a car, it’s important to check and change your filters when needed. Here’s 4 to look out for:
- Mood. Ask yourself “is my mood healthy? is this affecting how I see the world?”
- Motive. Am I interpreting their action, or their intention?
- Projecting. Is is possible that I’m soul projecting from a wound of the past
- Bias. Have I drawn conclusions because of a previous bias?
Ps Phil had so much more wisdom on the topic of anger. To hear all his tips check out the podcast below: